Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
