he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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