the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My vagina is officially offended.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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