fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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