You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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