i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
