So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
