Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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