Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
