I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
