I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
