the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
