you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
