I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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