a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I deserve this hangover.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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