What a fucking waste of an outfit
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
