he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
