just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
