this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
