He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
