dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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