I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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