All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
