fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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