Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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