My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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