So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
