you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
