they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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