Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
