You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old