Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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