the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
