Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
