I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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