Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
