Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
