I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
