I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
