Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
