I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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