Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
