the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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