just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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