omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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