I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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