On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
