we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
