found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
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She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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