I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
