they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
