Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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