Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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