youre lurking in front of me
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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