Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
