did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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