I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
